january 2008

01-25-08:

Me, on non-existent business terminology metaphors: How would you say "cock-block" in a business setting?

october 2007

10-04-07:

Newbie, on the golden eggedness of a particular individual: He does not poop diamonds, he poops poop.

10-03-07:

Me, on golden egged fables: I want to poop tiny little diamonds, but with soft edges.

september 2007

09-13-07:

Newbie, on strep throat: Apparently I can't get it, I can just a carry it and infect people. I can just prance around happily while I infect people with my doom. I'm like Typhoid Mary... I'm Streptoid Newbie.

09-06-07:

Me: We've got too much marketing junk in our trunk.

january 2007

01-05-07:

Me: They say people with glass houses shouldn't build rocks. I'm not sure why they say that.

december 2006

12-08-06:

Newbie, to Ray: I would hate having you in my house.

12-07-06:

Bill: I am glad the world is full of stupid people so that I have someone to take advantage of.

july 2006

07-25-06:

Slogan, etched on the back of a local septic truck: We're #1 in the #2 business!

february 2006

02-10-06:

Jack-In-The-Box Drive Thru Lady (after working with the customer for 2 straight minutes on her "no mustard, no lettuce, extra ketchup, extra pickles, no cheese, lite mayo" order): Why don't people order their food just regular?

january 2006

01-13-06:

Newbie (on a client requested design): It's visually raping my eyes.

april 2005

04-29-05:

The T-Shirt Hell Team (on family): Sharing DNA and coming out of the same drippy hole is no basis for a relationship.

november 2004

11-19-04:

Sean: Real life should have a fucking search function or something. I need my socks.

august 2004

08-25-04:

Me (while watching Misty May tug and pull during the Women's Olympic Beach Volleyball Finals on TV): Her ass ate her bathing suit bottoms!

july 2004

07-20-04:

Erin: Did you hear that Nelly bought a partial interest in the Charlotte Bobcats?

Me: Yeah, I heard that. I guess that means the Bobcats are officially gangsters?

Erin: It's the NBA honey, it's all gangster.

07-01-04:

Me (walking on the deck of the cruise ship and noting the life size chess board): Do you want to play giant chess?

Erin: I don't even know how to play regular chess.

june 2004

06-30-04:

Erin: If we moved to Miami, I could work for Carnival and you could work for Dole.

Me: Huh?

Erin: Well, they would ask if you have experience in the beverage industry and you could say "Yes I have beverage experience." It's all about marketing yourself.

Me: I consume a lot of beverages.

06-15-04:

Chick at the UPS Store, on me leaving: Have a good idea! I mean day!

Me: I think I'd rather have the idea!

may 2004

05-23-04:

Me: I saw some blue flying things last night. I think we have some of those, uh, light. bulb. bugs...

Erin: Fireflies?

Me: Yeah!

january 2004

01-23-04:

Ray: P-Diddy? Is that like the god of urine or something?

01-22-04:

Me: The customer is always right, as long as it's billable.

01-07-04:

Ray: So if she were having trouble coming up with thesis ideas would that be considered thecal incontinence?

december 2003

12-20-03:

Me (to Erin on our trip home): Stupid drivers are a universal constant. As a matter of fact, in Einstein's E = mc² equation the "C" actually stands for stupid drivers.

12-18-03:

Me: If Ani is so smart why doesn't she have thumbs?

Erin: That's evolution. It takes time to evolve. If we started breeding lots of little Anis just like her they'd eventually have thumbs.

12-16-03:

Ray: If she heard you say that she'd definitely talk about it.

Me: For how long?

Ray: An hour.

Me: And fifty years.

12-08-03:

Jim, on kids: Kids are assholes.

september 2003

09-17-03:

Ray: She wants to throw her a party? That's like Moriarity throwing a party for Sherlock Holmes.

09-16-03:

Me: She has so much crap going on right now with the job situation that I'm glad she has this wedding to look forward to.

Ray: Yeah, if you consider marrying you something to look forward to.

09-06-03:

Me: I'll tell them I'm agnostic

James: I'll tell them I'm diagnostic!

july 2003

07-19-03:

Carolyn (to me): Can I smell your beer?

april 2003

04-27-03:

Me (on the girl driving the car next to us with her face on the steering wheel): Crazy people have right of way.

04-25-03:

Me (on the cold pizza I'm eating): I like my pizza like I like my ex-girlfriends: cold and rigid.

february 2003

02-12-03:

Jess: This day can go shove pickles up its ass.

02-05-03:

Ron: You can fuck some of the people some of the time, but when you try to fuck all of the people all of the time . . . you're the one that ends up getting fucked.

january 2003

01-26-03:

Me (on opening the door of our apartment to let the dog go outside): I opened the door to let her out and she growled at me!

Erin: You open the door to let her out?!

Me: Scratch that, she growled at me!

Erin: I'm not talking to you.

01-02-03:

Me (on an idea): It smells like ass. That must be where they pulled it from.

september 2002

09-27-02:

Lady on NPR (on the sacred role of the chicken in black churches, specifically fried chicken): A chicken died that we might live.

june 2002

06-28-02:

Ron: He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Actually, he thinks his ass is a hole in the ground.

06-24-02:

Bellman on I Love Lucy (to Lucy): How can someone so pretty on the outside be so sneaky on the inside?

may 2002

05-17-02:

Ron: The only thing that bothers me is the email address. It's kind of hard to take a company seriously when their email address is fakeoilandgascompany@aol.com.

05-06-02:

Nate: You've got to find your inner Dennis.

april 2002

04-15-02:

Me: As long as I can consistently print the inconsistent color I'll be consistently content.

04-07-02:

Deana: 220 calories? You'll burn that in brain power.

march 2002

03-21-02:

Rusty, while dining on empanadas at the Noble Savage: Man, I feel so sophisticated. And, I don't feel sophisticated very often.

Cherie: All it takes is a knife and fork, huh?

03-12-02:

Brooke: So the vet told me our dog is a pseudo-hermaphrodite!

03-11-02:

Angela's boss (overheard at a computer training session): Damn, I'm in hour-glass hell!

february 2002

02-02-02:

Katie: I'm giving up socialization for Lent.

november 2001

11-05-01:

Katie: I'm going cockroach hunting.

october 2001

10-17-01:

Cherie (in response to Rusty saying he can taste sound): What do I taste like?

10-03-01:

Rusty (to Walt in a conversation about skilled labor): We all know you're the best fabricator in the group.

september 2001

09-25-01:

Rusty: It's 30 minutes away. I'll be there in 10.

09-05-01:

Ceci: I'm only psycho every other day. Today's an every other day.

09-04-01:

Erin: I'm the only person in this entire city that knows how to drive.

09-03-01:

Erin: My new startling revelation is that this rain shit needs to stop.

august 2001

08-31-01:

Me: I strive for cute.

june 2001

06-22-01:

Hillbilly copier guy: We got one of them new computers, you know one of them O'Dell's.

may 2001

05-08-01:

Anne: Procrastination is the same as masturbation. They are both fun and games until you've realized that you've fucked yourself.

april 2001

04-26-01:

Me: Yeah, they spent $30 million dollars developing their logo.

Jaime: It looks like clip art!

04-25-01:

Jess: That's a shame. If you're gonna work yourself to death doing anything it should be sex!

march 2001

03-28-01:

Virginia: As much money as Brammer wastes, we can write on these boxes.

03-23-01:

Katie: Every day I wake up and say I'm going to try to be nice today, but I just can't do it.

03-21-01:

Ron (on the pros and cons of a certain job): I like the technology aspect of it, I just don't like the anal rape part of it.

03-19-01:

Katie: If you want to get anywhere in life you've got to step on the little people.

03-16-01:

Everybody in the entire world (to me): You work too much.

03-14-01:

John (on my getting to work on time): Did your bed kick you out?

03-05-01:

Me: One thing to remember though is that our target market aren't these people... Our target market still uses typewriters as their primary computing platform.

february 2001

02-21-01:

Katie: Bread is bad for you because it makes your ass big.

02-20-01:

Me (in a silent prayer before my final): Dear God, please grant me the wisdom and knowledge I need to kick the shit out of this Accounting test. Amen.

02-18-01:

My church's preacher: You really should bring your bibles to church. I know it says Methodist on the sign outside, but still...

02-14-01:

Erin: Some people might call me stubborn, but they're wrong and I'm right.

02-09-01:

Adam: He's just computer-friendly, he's not mean.

january 2001

01-31-01:

Cherie: Damn Brooke, your car is compact! Even airplanes have room to put your head between your legs.

01-24-01:

Erin (to me): You're a stubborn little man, aren't you?

01-22-01:

Rusty (on the pace of the Wendy's drive thru window): There seems to be a deficiency in their efficiency.

01-21-01:

Rusty: What in the hell was I doing in bed for 15 hours?

01-19-01:

John: So where was he from?

Adam: I don't know, some latino country, I think it was Texas.

01-17-01:

Erin: So John's dog Ani can now sit, stay and come on demand.

Yvonne: I wish we could teach guys how to sit, stay and come on demand.

01-16-01:

Charles (on our recent computer problems to an end-user): I hope you remember how to use a slide rule.

01-14-01:

Erin: They don't know that when someone goes to college it all goes to hell.

01-08-01:

Rusty (on the phone to Brooke and assorted drunken gal friends): So I'm your drunk call now?

01-07-01:

Lisa Simpson: As intelligence goes up happiness often goes down.

01-03-01:

Erin (on what to do at 2:15 PM): I'm debating getting dressed.

december 2000

12-30-00:

Rusty (to me): Erin is so much more fun to pick on than Kristan

12-28-00:

Rusty: I wonder what Ani would be like if she had real owners?

12-22-00:

Steph's Dad (to me): hey asshole JUST STOP!

12-20-00:

Me: I want the opportunity to do the wrong thing. Multiple times.

12-14-00:

Erin: Our room smelled like an aromatherapy candle on crack.

12-13-00:

Erin: She was on heavy medication.

Katie: No, she was on advil.

12-10-00:

Guy next to me at airport bar (on ordering his 3rd beer in 10 minutes): One good thing about flying is I don't have to drive.

12-08-00:

Brookie:
john-eo john-eo,
where for art thou john-eo
deny thy rockstarishness and refuse thy peanuts they give you on the plane...
and if thou wilt, then i shall no longer be a lesbian.

12-07-00:

Lisa's mom: Who the hell are you?

november 2000

11-24-00:

Rusty: She said "more than a mouthful?" That's got to be the sexiest thing I've ever heard.

11-23-00:

Linus: Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest.

11-20-00:

Walt: He's not a call-you-back sort of guy.

11-17-00:

Ron: I'm definitely a bush man.

11-16-00:

Sean (on how to be a robopimp): Don't turn nothing down but your collar.

11-15-00:

Ron: I'll be disappointed if you don't bill the crap out of them.

Me: But it's a church, I don't think God would like that.

Ron: God will be disappointed if you don't bill the crap out of them.

11-06-00:

Tad (on calamari): It lubricates the creativity.

11-03-00:

Ellen: We're supermatter - So fast you can't even see us.

11-02-00:

Rusty: We should teach Ani how to talk!

october 2000

10-28-00:

Jess: But you should feel special because I have to pee.

10-26-00:

Me (answering my phone at work at 6 PM): Hello?

Rusty: You're not still at work are you?

Me: No.

Rusty: I didn't think you were.

10-25-00:

Professor: So what kind of media schedule is this?

Girl in Marketing Class: Pulsing!

Prof: Yes! And why is it pulsing?

Girl: I don't know!? It was a guess!

10-21-00:

Yvonne: Who's fucking shorts am I in?

10-20-00:

Yvonne: I'm not wearing a bra right now or underwear either. I'm very concerned about my well-being.

10-18-00:

Leticia: I had fire coming out of my ass!

10-17-00:

Rusty (playing Castlevania 2): I hate the horrible nights to have curses.

10-12-00:

Amy (to me): You're the only sexy nerd that I know of.

10-09-00:

Mitch: You have to be in grad school because of sex.

10-06-00:

Jonathan (describing me to someone): This is John Eklund. He's a computer guru from hell.

10-02-00:

Me (dispensing advice on how to get out of jury duty): Two words: projectile vomit.

september 2000

09-29-00:

Me: All Ani ever wants to do is play.

Rusty: Oh, she's definitely a player.

09-28-00:

Me: I like toothpaste. Who doesn't like toothpaste?

Rusty: Communists.

Me: Damn Communists.

09-27-00:

Ellen: I'm afraid of the grid.

09-26-00:

Me: I had such a shitty weekend it makes me want to curse.

Jessica: John, everything makes you want to curse.

09-25-00:

Angela: Whoah! You can do it though, because you're a rockstar!

09-24-00:

Holly: I want to be featured in Quote of the Day again.

09-22-00:

My dad: Everything's always better in TV ads. It's like in the Wal-Mart ads where the prices are falling down and that damn smiley face is running around jumping on everyone. Now that's an imaginary world.

09-21-00:

Me: I mean shit. Someone's gonna have to make a decision.

09-16-00:

Holly: Do I sit funny in a car?

09-13-00:

The Old Guy in my Marketing Management Class: Remember when you're driving over a bridge in Louisiana that it was built by the lowest bidder.

09-12-00:

Deana: Slap. Does that have two p's in it?

Me: It does when I do it.

09-11-00:

Walt (giving me instructions): Well you go study and I'll put on my thinking cap. Then when I get through thinking we'll use your brain and make billions.

09-09-00:

Matt (in response to Walt's profit on his party): That's like $700. I bet Walt's got a hard-on right now.

09-06-00:

Holly: Pick in private!

09-02-00:

Yvonne: I had to go to the emergency room anyway, so I just went ahead and got an all-around tune up.

august 2000

08-28-00:

Veronica: I'm jobless and I can't read the bottom line!

08-23-00:

Brooke: If you have sex with a lesbian, you won't walk funny, you'll talk funny.

08-17-00:

Me (to the President of the company on one aspect of the presentation I made): You like it, you just don't know it yet.

08-16-00:

Walt (telling me what part of my building he'll pick me up at so we can go to lunch): I'll pick you up on the outside part.

08-13-00:

Dad: I like to go to Books-A-Million because the faggy guy always tells me that if I had a Books-A-Million card I could have saved 18 cents.

08-10-00:

Ron (on who has the worst e-mail situation, note: he wins): I get blind carbon copied on every e-mail everyone in the company sends to anyone.

08-05-00:

John (to Lynda after she made a snide comment to me and then said she was going to take a shower): Don't forget to wash the smart off your ass.

08-04-00:

Me: I have kung fu grip.

08-03-00:

Ellen: You're bulletproof. You're teflon John!

08-02-00:

Veronica: This just created a laugh knot in my tummy.

08-01-00:

Mitch: I don't care about the wear and tear on the hen, I just want the egg.

july 2000

07-31-00:

Me: I'm not losing my mind. It's gone.

07-29-00:

Walt: I'm gonna update the tea now.

07-27-00:

Lynda: just think in 1 week and 1 day, you will be in virginia visiting with lynda, having lots o fun loving life, not missing shreveport one iota sipping alcohol in some random bar in georgetown laughing, ha ha ha, wont that be fun...

07-26-00:

Rusty (introducing me to two new girls at Notini's night): This is John. He's the cynical one in the group.

07-25-00:

Amanda: No I didn't. Wait. Shit! I just ordered porn!

07-24-00:

Ami: Why put off until tomorrow, what you can put off indefinitely and no one but you will notice?

07-19-00:

Brooke: I'm so happy... I'm GAY!

07-14-00:

Me: Do you know what time it is? It's NAKED TIME!

07-13-00:

Yvonne: I think the chi-hoes would jump your bones, I mean jump on the chance for you to do their site.

07-12-00:

Yvonne: the chi-hoes are making a move on you. Man, that's like trying to steal someone else's boyfriend!

07-07-00:

Dennis Miller (defining obscene art): This is art you want to look at every 15 minutes.

07-06-00:

Lynda: My face turns off the phone sometimes...

07-01-00:

Dr. Hibbert (on The Simpsons, after Homer wouldn't let Grandpa go to the bathroom on the car ride home): Oh my dear God this man's kidneys have exploded! There's nothing left!

june 2000

06-30-00:

FLASHBACK - Ron: John, you're on the luge ride to hell.

06-28-00:

Dumb blonde in Blockbuster on cellphone walking around aimlessly looking for something and talking loudly: Oh, you mean they're in alphabetical order? I didn't know that!

06-26-00:

Walt (in regards to the price of color copies): John, you've got to do something, these people at Kinko's are trying to rape me.

06-24-00:

Ami (in haiku form):
John Eklund is sweet
Yes, he's really wonderful.
Ami heart John Eklund

06-23-00:

Norm MacDonald (playing Bob Dole and accusing Colin Powell of being a homosexual for letting gays in the military on SNL): I want to let America know where Bob Dole stands on the issues. Prayer in schools: Bob Dole's for it, Balanced budget: Bob Dole's for it, Vaginal sex: Bob Dole's for it.

06-21-00:

FLASHBACK - Deondrick: If I feel teeth, I'm swinging.

06-20-00:

Me (explaining how badly I need to go grocery shopping): Being out of bread and milk and lunch meat I can handle, hell I've been eating crackers for supper. But I've run out of toilet paper, so I've been having to hold it until I get to work.

06-18-00:

Shirley Manson (lead singer for Garbage): I bake really good cakes, and I give great head.

06-17-00:

Me (in response to Rusty going from 60 MPH to a complete stop in 3 feet): We're not gonna make it. We're not gonna stop. We ARE gonna die.

06-14-00:

Rusty (talking about the ocean): There's nothing like it in the world, well, except 75% of the world.

Me: I thought it was 97%.

Rusty: No, that's our bodies.

Me: Not this week!

06-13-00:

Mac (talking about Rusty and me): You work well together.

Rusty: We're a cohesive entity.

06-12-00:

Me (in response to tidal waves crashing on me): Fucking ocean's losing it!

06-11-00:

Rusty: (to me in a conversation about how much we've drinken thus far on our vacation): I'm getting to be an expensive drunk. I may have to switch to hard liquor to save money.

06-10-00:

Guy at convenience store (giving us directions): Go 5 miles and take a right at the retarded kid.

06-09-00:

My Dad: If the shark that attacked those people walks up the beach and knocks on the door of your house, don't answer it!

06-07-00:

The girl at Subway (to me): You only want one cookie? It'd be cheaper to get three.

Me: No, it's cheaper to get one. It'd be more of a VALUE if I got three.

06-06-00:

Rusty: It's 3 to 1...on both TV's!

06-05-00:

Dave Berry: Kids, those hamburgers you're chewing come from the exact same kind of animal that you saw in those jars!

06-04-00:

Steph (to me): You have such a colorful past.

06-03-00:

Laura: You should get a cell phone and keep it in your pocket, so I can make your pants ring.

06-01-00:

Rusty: I put her chalkline on the wall in my bathroom today...sideways...it takes up most of the wall.

may 2000

05-30-00:

Walt: I have to be nice to people to get what I want.

05-28-00:

Me (to Rusty): You're going to church? Say hi to God for me!

05-26-00:

Sticker on the back of a logging truck (courtesy of Rusty): If you object to logging, try buying plastic toilet paper.

05-22-00:

The plastic surgeon to the client, after explaining to him that he was turning his assistant into a rat (From the Kids in the Hall): I'm not mad. I promise you I'm not mad. But I am GOING mad, so there will be a discount.

05-18-00:

The Weather Channel's Inbox Weather: The 6:42 am EDT conditions for Bossier City, LA are - F and no report. Currently the wind is N/A , the relative humidity is - and the barometer reads - inches. For a detailed look at your current, local, and regional weather please check...

05-14-00:

Brooke: brooke heart john's ramblings!

05-11-00:

Lynda: Ohmygosh it's almost 11:30. Do you know what I have to do tomorrow? Noooothing!

05-04-00:

Walt: The meaning of life is sex.

april 2000

04-29-00:

Me (to Rusty): If you can't stand up for what you believe in you might as well sit down.

04-28-00:

The President of the company: God Bless John Eklund!

04-25-00:

Jonathan (Yvonne's roomate): In case you were wondering, that'd be my crotch that turned on the garbage disposal.

04-22-00:

Brooke: I think CPA's should be like lawyers.. if you don't win, you don't have to pay.

04-16-00:

Yvonne: Doing (insert phrase here) does not make me a bad person!

04-12-00:

Hank Williams Sr. (singing his hit song Jambalaya):
My Yvonne, the sweetest one, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll have good fun on the bayou
...
Kinfolk come to see Yvonne by the dozen
Dress in style, go hog wild, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou.

04-11-00:

Yvonne: Backdoor friends are the best!

04-10-00:

Me (to the I.S. guys): So I'd have to grab ALL of your asses for it not to be sexual harassment?

Jessica (non I.S. guy): Don't leave anybody out!

04-09-00:

Yvonne (pointing to the Jesus fish on the truck in front of us): Look! I have that tattooed on my ass!

04-08-00:

Keith: You know, the light on that printer has been blinking for two days now.

Me: Must be a peach of a print job.

march 2000

03-30-00:

Yvonne (in response to the guy riding the lawnmower down the street): My other car is a lawnmower!