You have to know Walt to appreciate his witty quotes and tidbits of wisdom. Walt wants you to know that these are all fictional. I want you to know that they're not.

NEW! Random Walt Quote Generator

Here's a sampling of some of our favorites:

Walt, on all the people of the world:

It's like the whole world's a zoo and I'm just trying to put everybody in their cages.

Walt, on free long distance on his cell phone:

Now that I've got free long distance I can call you all the time, like 15 or 20 times a day.

Walt, on having to pull over drunk drivers:

I've got some really stupid clients.

Walt, on getting in touch with me:

If I had a nickel for every time that I called John Eklund, this is during business hours not including breaks or lunch, and he was not there to answer the phone I would be a very very very rich man.

Walt, on time and money management:

It's not money we're running out of, it's time. So I need more time to make money.

Walt, on relationships:

I do see a light at the end of the break up tunnel.

Walt, on the Golden Rule:

Do unto others before they do it to you.

Walt, on death:

Me and death, we don't get along like we used to.

Walt, on people:

John, people need discipline.

Walt, on breeding:

People should start having sex with little people, breeding littler people, so I can be one of the bigger people in the future.

Walt, on investing:

What I'm going to start doing is buying low in the morning before everyone gets up and selling high in the afternoon when everyone is buying.

Walt, on business ideas:

If I can ever come up with a business idea that John doesn't immediately shoot down I'll put all my money into it.

Walt, on 3:00 snacks:

If I had a business I would stop everything at 3:00 so we could all have snacks. From 3:00 to 3:15 is mandatory snack time. And if there was a good movie on snack time might last till 5:00.

Walt, on a local business owner who has several businesses:

I don't know how he keeps building new businesses. He must have a money tree or something. Because he always has cash. He keeps stacks of cash sitting on his desk and when I go visit him it makes my heart beat fast.

Walt, on productivity:

Today I am a very productive person. I feel that on the inside. I learned that from G.I. Joe - knowing is half the battle.

Walt, on the price of color copies:

John, you've got to do something, these people at Kinko's are trying to rape me.

Walt, on my ex-girlfriend, with the theme of girls who lie:

John, I've dated some bad girls, all members of the lying club. I'll tell you one thing about [your ex], if she's not the president of the club I know for darn sure she's on the board.

Walt, on getting what he wants:

I have to be nice to people to get what I want.

Walt, on JohnEklund.com:

By God John, I've already had 3 lawsuits and 6 complaints over your web site.

Walt, on the meaning of life:

The meaning of life is sex.

Walt, on sitting in the back seat of my car with a giant speaker beside him and 6'4" Rusty in the front seat and me driving a little crazy 'cause I know it griefs him:

I feel like I'm on a motorcycle with walls.

Walt, on the fairer sex:

They are all stupid, some are just taller.

Walt, on how the girl he was set up with looked:

She looked like she had a kid John. No matter what she did, she still looked like she had a kid.

Walt, on John and Walt (as told to 2 girls at Books-A-Million):

The thing you have to realize about me and John is that we're smarter than everyone in this entire store.

Walt, on his ex-girlfriend:

Not to be rude or anything, but it'll make you dadgum horny not to be with her.

Walt, on time management:

Whatever the heck you're doing you need to be doing it faster.

Walt, on trailer parks in general:

That's where the dumb-dumbs stay.

Walt, on Rusty's bathroom:

Rusty should get an award, maybe a certificate or a plaque for having not cleaned his bathroom for 13 months.

Walt, on pagers:

I accidentally released my pager into my windshield. So now my pager doesn't work. And my windshield has two cracks in it.

Walt, on his wrists:

I think my wrists are shrinking. No really, feel my wrists. They are considerably smaller than yesterday.

Walt, on being nice:

I AM being nice.

Walt, on life in general:

You know, I don't know.